


The Original Lost Boys Survival Guide

by LostNTheShadows



Category: Lost Boys (1987), Lost Boys (Movies)
Genre: Funny, Humor, Lists, Satire, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-22
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostNTheShadows/pseuds/LostNTheShadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one and only guide guaranteed* to keep you alive in Santa Carla, whether you love the sunshine, wear sunglasses in the house, or hang upside down by your bat feet.</p><p>*Guarantee not actually guaranteed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. For Mortals

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this years ago and based it on a few horror movie survival guides I'd seen floating around the internet. There was plenty of fodder from the movie to make one specifically for it. It was practically begging me to write it. So I did.

1\. Don’t become a security guard at the boardwalk.

2\. If you must ignore the above rule, at least make sure you’re physically fit. It could rightly give you a fighting chance…in theory.

3\. If you are a security guard, don’t harass the local motorcycle gang with your bitch stick. It’s hazardous to your health.

4\. Don’t work late.

5\. If you must work late, park your car in civilization. Does the term “strength in numbers” ring a bell?

6\. Screaming gets you nowhere, especially when no one’s around to hear it.

7\. If you’re a member of the rival surfer gang, avoid punching your own girlfriend in the face to attack the guy that just had a moment with her. It’s just common courtesy.

8\. If you are a Surf Nazi, let the Lost Boys have their way with your girlfriend. That way she’ll get some good sex and everyone gets to keep their necks…unless they’re jonsing for a post-sex snack. Then you’re screwed anyway.

9\. If your mom says she’s getting a divorce, ask to live with your dad. He may be a cheating, workaholic, bastard but at least you get to keep your blood.

10\. Remind your newly divorced mom that moving in with her father after the age of forty is not a step forward.

11\. Should the move still go forward, demand control of the car radio. It’ll be your last days of happiness.

12\. If the town’s ‘Welcome to…’ sign has ‘Murder Capital of the World’ graffito-tagged on the back of it, go back from whence you came. Chances are, it’s there for a reason.

13\. When you come across the girl that has an abnormally close relationship to a rodent, slap her. That’s just disgusting.

14\. If your grandfather has a habit of “playing dead,” find your own place, preferably in another county. It’s a bad omen.

15\. If you walk into your new home and taxidermied animals are strewn about the place, run away. If you choose to stay, at least have the foresight to hang antlers on every inch of wall space you can. I’m sure Grandpa has more than enough and they’ll come in handy later on.

16\. When your grandfather reinforced the notion that your new hometown has an abnormal amount of dead bodies, that was your cue to leave now. He’s been there for decades. He knows what he’s talking about.

17\. If your grandfather smokes pot, be very nice to him. He just might share his stash. At least you know it’s pure.

18\. If your grandpa has a subscription to TV Guide but there isn’t a TV in the house, blame it on the pot and go buy your own TV your whiny turd. As if reading a book would hurt…

19\. Avoid the boardwalk.

20\. Should you choose to ignore the above rule, don’t say I didn’t warn you. There’s a reason why Grandpa’s a hermit.

21\. Don’t follow the gypsy girl with the little boy that catches your eye. No matter how you slice it, she’s trouble. If the kid is her’s, that’s baggage that you’re just too young for. If he’s not then why the hell is he with her? Chances are she’s not part of the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program.

22\. Should you follow her, don’t act like some greasy-haired stalker. That’s just creepy.

23\. When the weird commando kids give you advice, take it. They’re right. You don’t know shit, buddy. Take the comic book and shut up.

24\. In order to be an official vampire hunter, usually you’d actually have to have hunted vampires. Claim yourself an expert but don’t give yourself the title when you’ve never even had hands-on training. That’d be like me calling myself a doctor because I spend a lot of time on WebMD.

25\. If you see your lust interest climbing onto the bike of a bad ass, platinum, mullet head, let the sleeping dog lie. Even if she’s not involved with him, you’re going to have to deal with those guys eventually and, let’s face it, your pedal pusher looks like a tricycle next to their bikes.

26\. Don’t accept lollipops.

27\. Don’t accept a job at the local video store. You’re overqualified anyway.

28\. Avoid the municipal wharf altogether. It’s far too pricey and you’ve just moved back in with your father. Choose wisely.

29\. Avoid getting too chummy with said video store owner. You know what they say about men and VHS tapes…

30\. Avoid any kind of cliff-type rock formation. They’re the harbingers of despair.

31\. If you are sitting in your car and are suddenly awash in an odd red light coming from nowhere, that moment would be a good time to relocate.

32\. Embrace convertibles.

33\. Opt for a Japanese-made car. They’re better built and their roofs won’t peel off like a tuna can top.

34\. If you’re sitting in a car that has just been dismantled by an unseen force and then you see your boyfriend get sucked into the night sky by demons with fangs, don’t remain in the exposed car screaming. You’re going to die anyway. The least you could do is try to keep your dignity intact in your final moments by attempting to go out fighting.

35\. Be nice to Grandpa for he has a 1957 Chevy, complete with bobble head. If you’re lucky, he may let you wash it.

36\. If the closest to town Grandpa likes to get is his garage, take that into consideration, especially considering, despite the taxidermy, he is sane.

37\. When the creepy commando kids offer advice and an instruction manual again, take it. I’m sure they are sniffing old newsprint but, like Grandpa, they seem to know what they’re talking about.

38\. Remember that gypsy girl that you saw ride off on the back of Mullet Man’s bike the previous night? How about asking her about her relationship with him instead of asking her to dinner? You’re just begging for a beating otherwise. Stop letting your winky lead the way.

39\. If the Lost Boys challenge you to a motorcycle race in a town you don’t know to an undisclosed destination, just say no. Star just isn’t worth it. C’mon. Haven’t you seen Jersey Girl? Oh mwy gawd!

40\. Should your dumb ass take the wager because your balls have outgrown your brain, beware of the cliffs of doom. Remember, harbingers…

41\. Never start a fight when you’re outnumbered. As if ‘just you’ is going to keep the others off. Nerd.

42\. Take everything with a grain of salt. Chances are there’s an ulterior motive to the Lost Boys’ niceness.

43\. Only smoke dope from trusted sources. You never know what could be in it otherwise.

44\. Take the half-naked Rob Lowe poster off of your closet door. It’ll only lead people to question your sexuality.

45\. Don’t be duped by hallucinations. Chances are Marko didn’t snarf the rice and then stuff the empty take-out container with maggots to cover it up while he was out.

46\. Don’t drink unidentified substances in ornately decorated bottles. For all you know, it could be antifreeze and the boys get their rocks off on near-death experiences.

47\. When Star tells you it’s blood, listen to her! That way you won’t look like an ass later on when the shit hits the fan.

48\. If your grandfather wears Windex as aftershave, just be thankful it’s not Bengay.

49\. Don’t open your front door to phantom lights and gale winds. It could be a result of a storm of Jehovahs.

50\. Open mouth and insert foot when you realize that the kooky commando kids weren’t yanking your chain.

51\. Lie to your mother.

52\. Never date your boss. Even if he isn’t a vampire, it’ll just cause problems anyway.

53\. If you see your brother floating outside your window, toss him one of his barbells. Hey, he’s halfway to immortal. He’ll get over it.

54\. Never trust your brother to “work things out.”

55\. Remind your mother that you can only smell garlic when it’s peeled.

56\. Tell Grandpa to never allude to his sex life again unless he would like to pay for my repressive therapy.

57\. Never invite your new boyfriend to meet your kids after one failed date. We know you’re desperate for a good guy but slow it down, lady!

58\. If you’re going to call yourself a vampire hunter, you might want to brush up on the cardinal rules of vampires so you don’t shove your head up your own ass later.

59\. If two out of two dates have failed, take the hint and move on. They’re not called signs for nothing.

60\. If your brother’s a half vampire, aim for a hard top. A convertible will only hurt him, and quite possibly you.

61\. Just because someone looks like they know what they’re doing, it doesn’t mean they do. Don’t follow blindly.

62\. Prepare for all situations. Carrying an umbrella never hurt anyone. It protects against rain and ungodly glitter goo stains. Also, if the vampires wake up when you’re picking them off, don’t scream at them. It won’t do you any good. Now would be a good time to put those cat-like reflexes to use.

63\. Two fingers held in a cross formation does not double as a crucifix. Don’t waste your time.

64\. Never leave a car in reverse and never park it too near a cliff’s edge. Act firsts and think laters tend to happen in those situations.

65\. When Grandpa doesn’t blink at the two half-dead bodies you’ve just brought into the house, it means he knows something. Inquire about that. It couldn’t hurt.

66\. Reinforce your pipes.

67\. Stock up on holy water.

68\. Skip the garlic. It doesn’t work anyway.

69\. Don’t forget your dog. You make PETA angry doing that.

70\. Hang a set of antlers in front of the fireplace.

71\. Threaten to take away Paul’s Aqua Net. He’ll back off faster.

72\. If you see a vampire disappear into a tub of holy water, don’t stick your head over it to check where he went. Just vacate the bathroom and let him melt in peace.

73\. Always arm yourself with a water gun filled with holy water. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

74\. Proper aim and shotty wiring are a vampire hunter’s best friend.

75\. Don’t forget about David. The leader of the pack is always bound to be the crankiest after a friend’s death.

76\. When a vampire child bursts forth from a mattress, have cookies handy. All children, with or without fangs, love cookies.

77\. Sneak a squirt of holy water in Laddie’s face when Star isn’t looking. Little boy or not, he’s ready to go Cujo on you.

78\. Thank the taxidermy gods that your grandfather has antlers strewn about.

79\. Don’t question David’s personal spotlight. Just let it be. It might attack.

80\. Pass off dead David as your mom’s new hat rack. If she doesn’t believe it, tell her he impaled himself.

81\. Try to convince your mom she’s imagining the mess in the house.

82\. Bludgeon the children out of the public’s eye for the mess in the house.

83\. When Max mentions ‘my boys,’ tell him he’s no longer invited and throw a bucket of holy water on him and see what happens.

84\. While Max is talking, stake him from behind. He’s so absorbed in what he’s saying he wouldn’t see it coming.

85\. If you’ve just witnessed Max toss aside four other people, don’t try to attack him yourself. You’re just offering yourself up to die. Instead, grab that trusty bow and arrow that worked so well for you before. God forbid you use the same kill method twice.

86\. Don’t make it a habit to sacrifice yourself to save your kids. Your father might not be there to bail you out next time.

87\. Always keep a hearty supply of telephone pole-sized stakes on your property strategically positioned to impale head vampires standing in your living room about to eat your family. I believe they sell some at Target in the hardware department.

88\. Make sure your furniture is flame retardant and Scotch Guarded.

89\. Learn from experience. Never be so trusting of strangers.

90\. Ask Grandpa more questions. Maybe if you did, he wouldn’t stuff your mouth with Oreos and drown you in root beer for bringing the vampires into his house.

91\. Seek out a good stain remover.

92\. Come together on a viable story to explain to any potential nosy neighbors. Or just agree to disagree and make them disappear. Why let the town’s reputation die now?

93\. Kick Star to the curb for being the harbinger of bloodsuckers.

94\. Find a good carpenter.

95\. Listen when someone tells you something. Your face wouldn’t be so red if you did.


	2. For Half-Vampires

1\. Frizz attracts vampires. If John Freda products aren’t available, any generic conditioner could greatly increase your odds of remaining a sun worshipper.

2\. Mullets are bad and won’t transcend time. Avoid them at all costs, even if the hot platinum one wants you to “jump on his bike.”

3\. Just say no to strangers. Did your parents teach you nothing?

4\. If your prospective bop buddy lives in a cave far away from civilization, now would be a good time to say ‘I gotta go.’ Obviously standard horror movies aren’t your thing.

5\. Just like you don’t take candy from strangers, don’t drink insinuated alcohol from a strange bottle offered by a group of boys living in a cave. Making your parents look like failures isn’t cool. Now is not the time for rebellion.

6\. Wear a bra. It’s just not right to point others in the direction of death.

7\. Don’t make eyes with the cute new boy at the boardwalk. You’ll only end up sucking him into your travesty and he may resent you for that.

8\. Learn to dance. Running man does not a dance move make. I don’t care if you’re only ten.

9\. Don’t be a cock tease. If you know that by interacting with the new boy could lead to his death, why do it if you don’t want to? Independent thoughts are so underrated.

10\. Wear shoes. I know you’re halfway to dead but who knows what bodily fluids and half-masticated carnival food can be found on the boardwalk ground.

11\. Don’t goad your captor. If you’re interested in a guy, enlightening the leader of the pack could be a bad idea since the newbie is nothing more than dog chow at this point.

12\. Speak up. Be a leader, not a follower. It’ll only plague you later in life if you don’t.

13\. Hopping on the back of a strange guy’s bike is what got you into this mess in the first place. When a new guy asks you the same thing, some deductive reasoning wouldn’t kill you. There are plenty of restaurants within walking distance of the boardwalk, complete with well-lit areas and lots of people.

14\. You are not a minion. Stop acting like one.

15\. Invest in a helmet. You may be a half-undead child but you’re not above the laws of Santa Carla or motion.

16\. Your pathetic puppy dog face does nothing to alert your mortal love of the steaming pile of poo he’s about to walk into. So stop.

17\. Are you risking a bitch slap from David if you yell to Speed Racer that he’s about to launch himself off of a cliff? If not, do it. Knees and dignity would be saved.

18\. Remind Dwayne and Paul that you’re still half human and your arms are still fully capable of being wrenched from their sockets.

19\. Instead of setting the feminist movement back twenty years, open your mouth. I’m sure David won’t duct tape you to a rock if you speak instead of just looking forlornly at Michael. The dude’s obviously too thick to accurately interpret your eyes of despair. Resort to more exact methods of communication.

20\. Go Jersey Girl on Michael’s ass when he laughs at you for saying it’s blood in the bottle. Resign to tell him ‘I told you so’ when he goes WTF on you later.

21\. Always run to the only female in the group when things get sticky. You know she’ll hold you tight and it’s an easy way to cop a feel. You’re ten. It’s an “accident,” not a grope.

22\. If the gang celebrates because you just took a sip of their wine, question that, especially that whole ‘be one of us’ line. Considering you’re not in a distillery and the shindig is lacking flappers, it’s safe to say they’re not bootleggers and they’re not going to be asking you to become a grape stomper.

23\. If Star and David’s faces meld together and start chanting your name, ending the game now would be a wise choice. For all you know you’ve just ingested more brown acid than a hippie at Woodstock.

24\. If someone asks you to hang off of a train trestle suspended over a foggy abyss, don’t do it. At this point you have no idea you’re anything but human. Honestly, how dumb are you? Didn’t your mother ever tell you to say no to peer pressure?

25\. If you do end up dangling, don’t let go unless you think splat! is a good look for you.

26\. When you wake up the following afternoon and realize you’ve survived what could rightly have been a drop into a ravine hundreds of feet deep, think on that for a minute and then check your back for wings. If no wings can be found, don’t brush off the incident for it probably means much more than what you’re even capable of thinking about at the moment.

27\. Beat your brother for casting sunlight onto your face when you first wake up. Even if you’re not a half-vampire, that’s still an evil thing to do.

28\. Avoid making inappropriate comments about your grandfather’s girlfriend’s dead husband. Those are in line with dead baby jokes. Not cool.

29\. If your home is being assaulted by lights, bike engines and laughter, don’t open the door. You know exactly who they are and I can assure you they’re not there to roast marshmallows.

30\. When your stomach hurts, try Rolaids and avoid blood. It’s for your own good.

31\. Before you sniff out something to sate your appetite, clean up your mess and close the refrigerator door, you slob. Maybe if you paid for the electricity you’d know how much money you’re blowing.

32\. Your brother would never make a good snack. He’s too stringy, your mother would be upset if you ate him and his Malamute would tear your throat out. Seek alternative food sources.

33\. If you appear transparent in a mirror and your brother is calling you a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire, attempting to explain your situation to the contrary is probably beyond you at this point.

34\. Instead of falling asleep, how about thinking of logical reasons as to why you just tried to eat your brother. Or Google ‘vampire, symptoms of.’ It could help.

35\. If you wake up on the ceiling, unearth Newton and make him explain the laws of gravity to you.

36\. Should lack of gravity continue, avoid open windows, especially if you find yourself floating towards one.

37\. If gravity defiance persists, enlist the help of the Mafia. They know a thing or two about cement shoes.

38\. If you tell your brother that you’re going to work things out, back up that statement. If you come back and the only information you have is what Star looks like from the inside, you’re not helping the matter any.

39\. Stop lurking in the shadows. You see that your boyfriend is distraught. Offer him something more than a hug…and I don’t mean your hoo haa!

40\. Never trust a girl that says ‘I can’t tell you what’s going on.’ You may be a little slow on the uptake but you’re not stupid.

41\. You weak-willed bastard. The answers to your problems don’t lie between Star’s legs! You said you’d work it out, not pull it out. Stick to the mission at hand.

42\. If you’re going to have sex with someone, at least fake enjoyment. If the viewers would rather read a book than watch you boink, you’re not doing your job.

43\. Good job, you soul-sucking jezebel. You’ve succeeded in thwarting Michael’s fact-seeking mission. You deserve the bad sex you get for purposely keeping him in the dark until it benefits you to divulge. Maybe next time you won’t be so selfish.

44\. If you wake up to find the gaping wound in your hand from the previous night completely gone, be worried. There’s a monstrous precipice between fast healing and inhuman recovery.

45\. If you’re still lagging in the sunlight days after you binge, chances are it’s not a hangover. Wake Star up and question her. You’re up; she can be too.

46\. Repress any and all memories from the obligatory sex romp the night before. They should have checked to see if you were awake first, or at least moved you to another cubby hole.

47\. No matter how hard Michael shakes you, pretend you’re asleep. If he hasn’t caught on by now, why bother telling him? It would be like talking to a brick anyway. Besides, there’s always later. Hopefully by then someone else will have told him.

48\. Don’t get pissy with your mother because you’re cranky and, literally, half dead. That’s no one’s fault but your own.

49\. Hang your head in shame because you didn’t follow through with your promise to your brother. For shame.

50\. The whole sneakers and leather jacket look? Drop it. Lost Boys are supposed to be cool. You look like you’re attempting to pull off a casual Michael Jackson. If you want to be like someone else, copy them properly.

51\. Don’t invite your mom’s new boyfriend into the house, especially if he tells you the only way he’ll come in is if you invite him. If warning bells aren’t going off by now then you deserve what’s coming.

52\. You’re not intimidating so stop pretending. You can’t fight David any better than you can think your way off of a one-way street.

53\. If David tells you to come with him if you ever want to see Star again, tell him you’ll pass. So far the girl has caused you a sensitivity to sunlight, a decimating reflection and the odd knack for defying gravity. For all you know it could be some unidentified STD.

54\. If you’re taken to a party and instead of joining in the fun, you sit perched in a tree, chances are you’re not there to people-watch.

55\. When the Lost Boys start sucking the life out of the remaining Surf Nazis, don’t fall out of the tree and lie face down in the sand. You just boost your pathetic meter doing that. Respect is key.

56\. After all of the things that have happened to you until this point, don’t act surprised when the Lost Boys enlighten you to the fact that you’re becoming a vampire. Perhaps you should brush up on your Connect-The-Dots skills.

57\. There’s no reason to slink around in the dark. Tell your brother you’re there instead of scaring him into congestive heart failure.

58\. Don’t be surprised when you realize Star can fly. That obvious blanket needs to be lifted from your head.

59\. Don’t state the obvious to the two people that tried to warn and inform you before the grisly facts were slammed over your head. You’re just wasting your breath.

60\. Repress all urges to hurt Michael when he blames everything on you even when he ignores the fact that you did try to warn him. Those aren’t tears of helplessness; they’re tears of frustration.

61\. Now would be a good time to ask for help. He’s in the same predicament you are and he doesn’t like it. He could find a way out! Tag along on his coattails.

62\. Don’t be surprised when the girl you’re bopping asks you for help. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

63\. Don’t laugh at your girlfriend when she comes to you crying and then scream for her back when she flies out the window, you insensitive prick.

64\. Do what you do best: run away and leave the clean up to others.

65\. Don’t trust your life, or your brother’s, to the likes of teenage pseudo-Marines that run a comic book shop. That’s just common sense.

66\. You should always read the warning label on bottles of vampire blood: May cause daylight drowsiness, do not operate heavy machinery. That means Grandpa’s car.

67\. Just go with the flow. You don’t speak your mind anyway so why start now? If someone wants to carry you out of the cave, you’re not going to stop them. At least you have a good excuse; you’re only ten.

68\. Make Michael carry you out of the cave. You’ve let him do all the work up until this point anyway. Why kill the momentum?

69\. Wake Star up and make her walk herself up to the car. If you can do it, so can she. She’s not totally helpless. She roped you in all by her lonesome, didn’t she?

70\. Whatever you do, don’t pass out and leave the driving to Sam. Snort coke if you have to. It’s safer and less hazardous to everyone’s health than letting a fourteen-year-old drive.

71\. The dumb girl act is over. You know damn well the boys are coming for you and Laddie and the knobs that killed their friend. Utilize those remaining brain cells, won’t you?

72\. Stake Star for dragging you into all of this. What do you know? You’re just a kid.

73\. Smack your brother for forgetting his dog outside although Nanook is probably the safest out of all of you.

74\. When all else fails, run and hide.

75\. Duck.

76\. Don’t look directly at the arcing vampire.

77\. The oozing kitchen is the least of your worries.

78\. Whatever you do, don’t forget about David. He hasn’t forgotten about you.

79\. When you feel yourself getting angry because your undead family is getting picked off, think happy thoughts. Mattresses aren’t cheap and it’s not a good idea to lunge at the guys that have killed off your peeps. Remember, you’re still only ten.

80\. You might want to think about your statement, ‘he’s just a little boy’ when said “little boy” more closely resembles a flailing, rabid bat than anything human. You might be hard pressed to convince others of your views on the matter.

81\. Do not stand exposed in the middle of an empty living room inviting a full-fledged vampire to bring it on. You just had the obvious stated the night before and he’s god knows how old. You’re just asking to get spanked.

82\. Work on your aim.

83\. Make sure you’re killing the right leader before you kill him. An unnecessary death is not only messy but a pain to explain to the authorities.

84\. Don’t be surprised when the pack leader/your pseudo-ex-boyfriend meets his maker when you were already knee deep in vampire excrement.

85\. Start thinking of excuses to explain away your bloodlust and lack of eyebrows when you realize that David wasn’t the head vampire.

86\. Meeting you boyfriend’s mom while her current boyfriend is unveiling his diabolical blood-sucking Brady Bunch fantasies would not be considered an opportune moment.

87\. So you got lucky and impaled David. Don’t push your luck with Max. Leave that up to Grandpa.

88\. Give it up, sweetheart. You couldn’t even help yourself. What makes you think you stand a fighting chance on your own? Just stand mute in the background looking melancholy like you’ve been doing. You’ve gotten good at it.

89\. Develop impeccable timing.

90\. Jump and roll.

91\. Remember to never take blood from strangers. It’ll save you a lot of trouble in the long run.


	3. For Vampires

1\. Just because you’re immortal doesn’t mean you’re infallible. They’re not called weaknesses because they make you stronger.

2\. It’s ok to be self-confident but hitting on another guy’s girl right in front of him, not good. Sure, you can easily snuff him from the picture but karma doesn’t skip vampires. I’m looking at you, David.

3\. Taunt authority within reason. If they cross the line, so do you. It’s only fair.

4\. It wouldn’t hurt to give yourself a challenge when hunting to deviate from the monotony of immortality. Really, how hard was the fat guy in the parking lot?

5\. Choose a hairstyle that can easily transcend time. While mullets are recommended by three out of four Lost Boys, it’s not exactly a classic look.

6\. Keep leather softener on hand at all times. It will eventually be used in one way or another.

7\. Smug isn’t a good look on anyone. Drop it.

8\. Vampire does not equal invincible so stop acting like your shit don’t stink. I’m sure a sold hit from a Greyhound could be just as efficient as a stake through the heart.

9\. Avoid antlers and anyone that practices taxidermy.

10\. Being a vampire does not automatically bless you with good hair. Therefore, a stock of gel, mousse, hair spray and leave-in conditioner is always helpful. But never tell anyone about the effort.

11\. Steal from your victims. That’s much easier than having to actually work in order to supe up your bike.

12\. Smoke cigarettes. It makes you look badder and its not like you’re going to die from cancer anyway.

13\. Goad your head vampire in public within reason. Bopping his employees just to spite him is up to you.

14\. Look up ‘fashion victim’ in the dictionary and stop borrowing Sam’s clothes. Someone of your size doesn’t need shoulder pads or black and white-checked anything.

15\. Master the Glare of Death. Beating the shit out of your boys in public could raise eyebrows.

16\. Vow to make new lady employee your wife. Nothing can go wrong there, right?

17\. As a means of roping her in, dupe her kids into joining the family too. Because your family isn’t unstable enough, you need two more kids from a broken home to shake things up a bit.

18\. Watch your jacket. If it’s too long, it’ll just get sucked into your wheels and there’s just no way you can coolly explain your way out of that one.

19\. Dangle your Star-bait in front of the googly-eyed boy chasing after her. It’ll only make him want her more which is what your daddy told you to do.

20\. Don’t mock Max’s demented sense of family dynamics. He’ll only smite you.

21\. Choose your pack mates wisely. Weak-willed gypsies and ten-year-old kids aren’t exactly the smartest additions. Weakest links much?

22\. Treat the lead Surf Nazi and his bitch like a Cadbury Crème Egg. You have to chip away at the hard exterior before you get to the ooey, gooey center. At least a Crème Egg doesn’t scream when you bite into it.

23\. Only show your home to trusted members of your family. If too many people know where you live, it defeats the purpose of a secret hideout and opens you up to such unpleasantries as death.

24\. Power play Star at all times. As if she’ll stand up to you. If she does, beat her.

25\. Poke at the new kid. You know he won’t back down if you challenge him, regardless of what you make him do.

26\. If Michael crashes on the way to the cliff, take what you can get and leave him be. You didn’t do it, no one saw you, it can’t be proven.

27\. You know you can fly gracefully off of a cliff and survive. You can’t remember if mortals can or not. If they can’t, now would be a good time to test their bounceability.

28\. Tell the newcomer the full history of your home although there’s really no logical reason why you should know that information. Don’t worry. Michael’s too thick to catch on anyway.

29\. When you’re ordered to fetch food for the others, grin and bear it. While you’re out, slip laxatives into David’s food. People thought it was bad for a human…

30\. Peer pressure Michael with pot. He’d do it if it were formaldehyde.

31\. Insist your guests eat. It’s only proper…and the blood tastes better on a full stomach.

32\. Employ a midget to walk around with a spotlight to shine on you during all the right moments. You’re the leader of the pack. You deserve it.

33\. Tell David to get his own damn food next time.

34\. Tell Paul to chew with his mouth closed before he starts drooling on himself.

35\. Tell David to get up off his ass and get the wine himself.

36\. Tell Michael to ‘be one of us.’ He won’t get it anyway.

37\. Remind yourself to duct tape Star to a jagged rock for interfering.

38\. Silently rejoice that Michael is stupid enough to not listen to her.

39\. Tell Paul not to chant with his mouth full. He’s spitting General Tso’s on the cave floor.

40\. Have your personal monkey push you around to impress Michael.

41\. Shave off David’s eyebrows in the day for treating you like a worker chimp.

42\. Get laid…repeatedly.

43\. Taunt Michael some more. It’s too much fun to stop and it’s just too easy.

44\. Have Star pierce his ear. It won’t make him any cooler but perhaps he could actually benefit from another hole in the head.

45\. Remind Michael that trainers and leather jackets don’t mix.

46\. Tie Michael’s shoelaces together. He’s been embarrassed a few times already. Why stop not? Play ‘Jump’ in the process. Buy Ritalin when done.

47\. Force Michael to dangle from a train trestle. The noob will do anything to get into Star’s pants.

48\. Grab onto Michael’s legs before you drop. His face alone would be worth getting kicked.

49\. Grin and bear it when Max says he wants to make Lucy his wife. He’s eaten three of them already but just humor him…again.

50\. Further taunt the new kid by fucking with him at his home. No other way to say ‘hey’ than by making you insecure in your own house.

51\. Take all kites, and anything with sharp edges, away from the boys. They’ll only put someone’s eye out.

52\. Feed Thorn. It’s never good to let a Hound of Hell go Hungry. They need to eat too and you don’t want DETEA (Demons for the Ethical Treatment of Evil Animals) on your ass again.

53\. Brood silently. Chicks dig the dark and mysterious get-up.

54\. Bang your head against the wall when Max says he really does want Michael as part of the family. You were just playing with your food before you ate it.

55\. Pop some nitrates. Your blood pressure will rise at your dinner at Lucy’s.

56\. Beware of Grandpa.

57\. Have your nose checked. If you can’t smell the different between raw garlic and Parmesan cheese, chances are you have something wedged up there. As if the whole room wouldn’t stink…

58\. Look up the definition of ‘tacky’ and then re-evaluate your home décor and choice of pick-up lines.

59\. Team up with Michael to hone your Connect-The-Dots skills. Here are three kids that are slamming you with vampire tests. Either you’re an excellent actor or the guy that pulls the warning flag out in your head is on strike.

60\. Humans are not bananas. We do not need to be peeled in order to be eaten. You’re just creating more work for yourself.

61\. Stock up on your outfit of choice. Feeding is a messy thing and there’s next to nothing that gets blood stains out. Club soda does, of course, but that’s just totally emasculating.

62\. Don’t burn the bodies of your victims. That smell isn’t exactly inconspicuous.

63\. Stock up on lobster bibs. They’ll help you out in the mess department.

64\. So will moist towelettes.

65\. A travel sewing kit could also come in handy to repair any tears your victims may cause before they die. Sometimes you just have to feed and go, no time to change. You have to be prepared.

66\. Laugh at the dork sucking sand. C’mon. Who wouldn’t?

67\. Take an interest in Michael’s brother. Chances are, he knows something. The stupid gene seemed to stop with Michael.

68\. Stop showboating. You’re not helping yourself any.

69\. Invest in full body armor. You’ll thank me later.

70\. Glade air fresheners could be beneficial in covering up that nasty decomposing stench wafting off your body. Nothing wrong with smelling pretty. Better than smelling like curdled death.

71\. Be a little more aware of your surroundings. You visit the Boardwalk every night. There are two kids that work in a comic book shop there that are obsessed with hunting vampires and wear that fact on their sleeves. A pre-emptive strike would have been understandable here.

72\. Invest in ADT. They’re able to wire pretty much anything and if you’re that vulnerable during the day, it’s better to be safe than staked.

73\. Install a stainless steel reinforced door in your sleeping lair, complete with combination lock. Remember to install plumbing inside the lair to prevent embarrassing accidents because you couldn’t remember the code to get out.

74\. On that note, keep the code in a safe place that’s easily accessible. You smoke way too much pot to be trusted to remember a combination.

75\. If you wake up to your friend gushing his life substance onto the floor, don’t warn the intruders that they’re dead meat. I’m pretty sure they’re aware of that fact. Just attack. Too many villains have met their demise because they couldn’t keep their mouths shut.

76\. Avoid sunlight, blind rage be damned. You’re a vampire. I would think this would be a no-brainer for you.

77\. Exact revenge for your friend…with caution. As if these kids aren’t going to hunker down and prepare for your undead onslaught. They’re not about to sit out on the porch with a banner saying ‘bite me.’

78\. Think before you act. That way you always have a smart move.

79\. Stay out of reach of your victims until you’re ready to pounce. While you’re busy mocking, they’re busy plotting.

80\. Once you disarm your victim, now would be a good time to strike. Stop talking to them and eat them. They’re too scared to move anyway.

81\. If you see a tub filled with water and garlic, back away. Chances are it’s not Poland Spring and knowing you’re luck, you’ll slip and fall in it of your own accord.

82\. If you see a big dog running at you, don’t just stand there. You’re a vampire. You have superhuman speed. Use it.

83\. Should you be outsmarted by a dog while your friend’s killers are cowering at your feet, you deserve to disintegrate in holy water.

84\. If it’s death by water, exact revenge by causing death to plumbing.

85\. Should you grab hold of your victim, don’t stand there laughing at him. Your inaction will come back to bite you in the ass.

86\. Recognize the fact that the victim who’s head you’re holding is reaching for something. Chances are it’s not candy.

87\. Don’t play dead. You’re not an opossum. You’re just wasting precious time.

88\. If someone has a bow and arrow aimed at your chest, don’t walk directly at it. The arrow is not made of feathers and won’t tickle. You might as well just impale yourself on it.

89\. Fleshi-O’s are not a good look on anyone. Avoid mixing metal arrowheads, your body and electricity. Refer to rule number one for more information.

90\. Prodding your rival into vamping out works to your advantage. Not only does he not know how to fly very well, you have the leg up on age, strength and vampire wisdom. You’re sure to come out on top! (If you couldn’t grasp the sarcasm, reread.)

91\. Less talk, more fight. They’re not called famous last words for nothing.

92\. Don’t stop to think about Michael’s ‘so is mine’ statement. Such an insightful bunch of words is shocking from such a character but he’ll use that against you. Don’t let him catch you off guard.

93\. Weep because your long vampire life was cut short by a half vampire that’s four days old. That’s what you get for not keeping your mouth shut.

94\. Be surprised when your supposedly intelligent pack leader gets axed by a bunch of pre-pubescent zits. Vow to find smarter vampire candidates to replace them. Demand SAT scores and IQ test results.

95\. When the hell will you vampires learn to shut the fuck up and slaughter people already? Good lord. Is it necessary to divulge your plan to people? Do you think they care or do you just like to listen to yourself speak?

96\. Do not take your time in turning your mortal love interest. Delays cost.

97\. Do not attempt to catch the truck backing through the side of the house. It may contain sharp things.

98\. Again, you’re a vampire with superhuman speed. If you see a horde of pointy poles coming at your body, don’t stand there and gawk at them. Band-aids won’t help you if you don’t move.

99\. Work out all the kinks before putting your evil plan into action. You’ll save everyone a lot of mess and trouble in the end. May I recommend a brief survey or, oh, I don’t know, being a little more observant? One should be aware of so many things…

100\. Don’t overstay your welcome. The natives will get restless if you do.


End file.
